It’s officially been a year since J and I have started trying to get pregnant. We thought we were doing the responsible thing by waiting until we were fiscally, relationally and emotionally stable. And I still feel that way.
However, I’m also feeling frustrated, depressed and angry. Like usual, life is not turning out the way, we expected it to. (Although, life never turns out as expected and that’s part of the glorious mystery and part of the tear-your-hair-out frusration, which is life itself)
And if one more person tells me not to try so hard, I might actually blow steam out of my ears. It’s not as though being pregnant (or not) consumes my every waking thought, but it is this buzzing gnat that surfaces every few weeks or so. As a woman, I feel that my body is built for this task, so not getting pregnant just makes me feel less of a woman, less whole. I realize this is irrational, but it is how I feel. On a good days, I can talk myself (or God and Jason can) out of this.
I can remember preaching on Abraham a few years ago, and I used to come down so hard on him. And in one sense that was fair. But, now with a bit more life experience under my belt, I feel that the “judgment” I rendered upon Abraham wasn’t exactly fair.
Today, I was reading Genesis 15, and I feel as though I read the passage with new eyes. Previously I thought that Abraham was a bit of a wishy-washy whiny figure (and I still think he is). God does chose who he will, and uses them as he will. This is simultaneously humbling, encouraging and a testament to God’s abundant grace. But, as usual, I digress.
But now as Abraham whines, I can understand that frustration. Abraham has an expectancy of what life should be like according to the promise that God has given. And, for Abraham, God has not yet delivered that promise. Abraham abandoned his home, set out into the unknown, and endured some scary and dicey situations–all because God called and promised. And to Abraham, it probably is starting to get a rather frustrating.
This isn’t the end of the story or the end of my current frustration…but it is the beginnings of me being a little more empathetic to some of the biblical characters.