For the month of October I’ve really been wrestling with the notion of wanting God’s will more than my own. This journey started with a simple question from a friend of mine who was checking in with me about the whole pregnant or not yet question. The last time she and I had talked, I was still up and down over not being pregnant.

When I responded, at the time, I was really okay with not being pregnant. I really want God’s plan for me, more than I want to just grasp what I want for myself. The bottom line is that I either trust God or I don’t. God will not always lead me through easy, pleasant pastures (nor should I expect him to). However, I trust that he will lead me in the path my soul needs in order to be refined. What’s best for me and my soul may not be (and probably isn’t) the stereotypical American dream.

That being said, since I was in the place a few weeks ago, so many more people in my life are pregnant, and I am still not. And I realized this last week that it’s almost 2 years now since we started trying. My statement is being tested; I pray it holds. It’s a daily battle to say my life as it is, is enough. I am trying so hard to just be content, and just accept (and enjoy) where I am. And it’s a constant struggle to be happy for other people’s joys while I would like what they have. It helps to hear people’s stories (no one’s life is as perfect as it appears on the oustide). But, it’s still an uphill road.

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