I feel as though I’m walking through the parted seas. Looking to my right at the blue wall of water. Nervously glancing to my left at the water towering above me. And, I catch myself wondering, Am I an Egyptian or an Israelite? Both camps got to see this wondrous sight, but only one group made it out alive. Are the swells of water going to come crashing over my head, leaving me drovwned? But, I keep shuffling forward.
I believe in God and Jesus. It’s so much a part of me that I can’t comprehend a world without God. For me, that’s an equation that doesn’t compute. The trouble is, even though I believed, I often find myself in doubt as to whether God is on my side. Am I an Egyptian or an Israelite? (And even the Israelites got confused on this part when they were wandering in the desert. I’m finding a bit more empathy with them these days. That also frightens me a little.)
And I’m wondering where this pathway with the parted seas will lead. For me, instead of water, it’s negative self-image (combined with negative public opinion) towering on the one side. And on the other, financial concerns and practicality are just waiting to crush down over me. I felt called in this direction of writing last March, and onward I keep walking. But, I keep looking over my shoulder, waiting to be crushed or swallowed whole.
God I know You are there sitting within a cloud of mystery. But, I’m still wondering if you’re going to help me or crush me. I know I’m in a fix. I still walk onward. As a song by The Weepies goes, I “walk on, walk on because [I] can’t go back now.” Lead me safely between my separated seas.
Here I am, grumble… grumble. Wondering if you’re really helping. But the Israelites did it too. Maybe there’s some comfort there. You still helped them and lead them, even when they couldn’t see and trust You working.