I am in a better mood today than yesterday; yesterday was a weepy day. God and I kept having fun chats. Mostly I kept talking to God, and occasionally he’d butt in and correct me. The jist of the conversation was about me being sad and defeated about current life circumstances. I am making active choices to not compare my life to others, and to try not to be bitter. Neither of those choices are easy to live out; it’s a constant war zone in my head. Between the healthy part of me who’s trying be a mature adult, and the emotional me who’s sad, mad and wants what she wants.
These days I keep finding myself praying “God, I really don’t want to be mad at you. It’s not like I can really walk away even if I feel like you’ve wronged me. You’re still God. You’re still the only ultimate safe place, the only true refuge. ” Or when I’m angry and feeling like shaking my fists it’s asking, “What more do you want from me? Because I really don’t know at this point.”
This morning is better than yesterday. I am grateful for the fresh snow that fell overnight and made everything white again. I am enjoying a leftover sweet potato waffle for breakfast, and that’s enough for this moment. Although, really, all bets are off for the rest of the day. I am still trying to mentally gird myself for battle.
I don’t think God is giving me rocks instead of bread. I just think mostly my life is sustained on rye and pumpernickel. Neither or which ever taste good.