Have been scanning through my summer journal for quotes to add to my files for paper and sermon illustrations, and found this journal entry from an angst filled day earlier this summer. And realizing how grateful I am that God has been gradually carrying me up and away from the place where I was – even if I’m not yet at the place that I eventually want to be. Without further ado, here’s the post.
Sitting here having eaten breakfast and pleading with God.
Here in the sun room with the cat lazily sleeping on my bible and the heat from the sun warming my face. Feeling hopeful and anxious. This month, as much as I wanted to take the pregnancy test, I also dreaded it. I long for this to be the month where finally God delivers on the promise. But after months and years of disappointments I am afraid that there awaits another crushing blow.
Scripture says that you are not a God that gives rocks when we ask for bread. And I thought I believed that; believed it wholely. Now sometimes, we get rye bread instead of my favored honey wheat; but the rye will still sustain me if I let it.
But after six and a half years and 3 miscarriages, I feel that crushing boulders and not bread is being distributed. And I can see how I’ve grown throughout this process, but Jesus – I am tired of the painful growing and kicks in the face.
I want to believe. I know you are capable of great and wondrous things. But I begin to wonder if you care about working those things in my life. Help me overcome my unbelief. Vindicate me o God.