It’s odd the way the ectopic pregnancy feels so different from the miscarriages I’ve had. Particularly in the way that I bounce around with what grieves me (or makes me feel a modicum of gratitude).
With finding out about the ectopic pregnancy, I was initially grieved over the loss of the pregnancy. But once I’d made it past the surviving surgery mode, I was grieved over the loss of the tube.
Now, I’m still reeling from the fact that I literally could have died. With the amount of blood that they were finding pooled around the ectopic pregnancy, I would have ended up in the hospital in pretty bad shape pretty quickly had I not had surgery that Friday night. I am grateful that a rupture hadn’t happened while we were up north (in the middle of nowhere) for a wedding the previous weekend; J is grateful for that too. I could have died in the time it would’ve taken to get me to a hospital. I’m amazed that I wasn’t in the typical amounts of drastic pain or passing out – particularly with what the doctors found when they opened me up. So, in one sense, I’m happy to be alive (and J’s happy about that too).
And I bounce back to the loss aspect in another instant. I still feel sad over the loss of the pregnancy and the loss of the tube (which I had posted earlier this week). I am literally missing a piece of myself that I had previously taken for granted.
There feels like so many more dimensions to the situation than other losses that we’ve had. And I can only wrestle with one aspect at a time, and which one seems more pressing varies moment by moment.