Going into surgery knowing that you’re pregnant but that when you wake up you won’t be is definitely a bizarre experience. And further than that, waking from surgery knowing that you’re no longer pregnant but still having all the hormones in your system compounds the oddity of it all.
The bizarre experience continues as even a week and a half later I’m still waiting for the hormones to creep back down to 0 as I continue to go in for blood draws. I find myself feeling strange as I’m now hoping the HCG is back to zero when a few short weeks ago I was so surprised and overwhelmed by an increasing HCG level.
It’s a week and a half past the surgery, and I can wear normal clothes again (yay!) and don’t take pain meds anymore (also yay!). But, I’m still sore and itchy, and wanting my body to return to normal. Wanting to be able to lift the things that I want or need (still can’t lift anything more than a jug a milk for another 3 weeks). Wanting to be able to focus on things I need to get done for school this fall rather than procrastinating as I feel sad over not being pregnant and not being sure of whether future pregnancy is even a real possibility or not. Now, I’m having to accept that I am taking class all year and interning all year, instead of taking time off for maternity leave in the spring. Sometimes reality bites. But, I’m a big girl and know that at some point tomorrow will be easier and better than today (at least temporarily till the next big disaster strikes, as it invariably does).