Found this post that I wrote in the fall of 2012, and am thinking there’s still some relevance and challenge for me here. And since I didn’t make it public at that time, I’m now actually putting it out in the web.
I awoke early this morning after a night of poor sleep. Last night I was up late reading Richard Foster’s Streams of Living Water and the contents of book proceeded to cycle through my dreams and consciousness produced a bizarre combination of prayer, restfulness, and wakefulness. Still pondering the book and trying to make sense of my convictions, I started intentionally praying this morning. And the thing that most came to my mind (and in light of my own emotional journey with infertility issues) was a need to ask God to be able to experience his Goodness.
That set off one of the most seemingly bad days that I’ve had in a long, long time. But the bad was punctuated with these nearly euphoric moments with God. Like I said, it’s been a weird day. I’m not particularly used to my emotions being quite so up and down and all over the place.
I started the day feeling a sense that I had asked God for something crucial for my faith life. I try not to make vows to God often, but this morning I felt a call to tell God that I will trust him. I will trust that God knows what I need and what our family needs and he will not give rocks instead of bread. My own interior problem is that I deeply struggle with my own understanding that God is good. It is a deep struggle for me to practice gratitude with God. I know why that is, but I felt a need to have God start to root this out of me. In earnest, I asked to Him to show me that He is good.
Over the course of the day, I’ve started to learn the God’s meaning of the word and my interpretation of it, might be completely different things. I felt a great sense of confidence going out into the world today, only to have the day go rapidly downhill. The world just seemed to spin off in crazier and further downward ways.