Grieving is a sneaky and mysterious thing. Thought I had moved on from the ectopic pregnancy, and then found myself weeping in the shower this morning. I would have preferred hiding out at home, but forced myself to get dressed, fix my hair and put on my face: more-or-less, to put on the armor to get myself through the day. I just feel overwhelmingly sad today, and feeling anxious.
There’s a hymn that Indelible Grace sings called Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul, and I deeply resonate with this hymn. In part, because I appreciate worship that reflects the both the ups and downs of Christian life – not just the high, happy, mountain peaks. I found myself listening to it this afternoon as I sat in my car bracing myself to go into school to study.
The following stanzas hit home for me where I’m at today; gloomy doubts, fears, anxiety. Feeling alone. And starting to feel hope dissipate. But, at the same time, I know I’m still anchored in God; where can I go away from Jesus? Were I to run there he would still be. And, even if I’m sad and dejected, my life does not function well apart from walking with Jesus.
But oh! when gloomy doubts prevail
I fear to call thee mine;
The springs of comfort seem to fail
And all my hopes decline.
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust;
And still my soul would cleave to thee,
Though prostrate in the dust.