I’m trying a new practice today: gratitude. After sitting in a sad funk for the morning, I had a realization that perhaps part of my problem is focusing so much on what I don’t have today (namely: a baby or confidence in my smarts). In an effort to see a bigger world than my myopic gloomy one, I’m taking broader look around to say a few notes of thanks about what is awesome about my life.
First, my husband J; with our schedules being crazy right now, we haven’t seen as much of each other in the past few weeks as I’d like. But, I love this man who gets me and delights in me – even when I’m a hot mess of crazy. We laugh together often, and I love that his face is the first and last thing I see each day. He makes decisions with me, makes dinner often, and is nicer to me than I deserve. And he’s created space for me to pursue my calling and go back to school full-time while he works. I’d love to see him as a dad…but that’s backtracking from gratitude. So, that’s a topic for another day.
In addition to my awesome husband, I have some pretty incredible friends – and you know who you are. So grateful for all these people who are in this journey of life with me, and make the journey full of laughter, chatter, and great company. I feel so loved by so many people in my life, and that’s such an incredible gift. And I wish I had more time to spend with all of them. I’m amazed at the splendor of each of the people that God has gathered around me in the past few years. They are each so unique. Getting to hear their stories and be part of them has been such a delightful part of my life. I’m so humbled and delighted by these folks’ presence in my life.
Also, I have family who is so incredible and gracious to me. And, oh the laughs and good times that we have when we’re all together. Which makes me wish we were together more often.
I’m also gifted with the opportunity to pursue wisdom, study, and writing full-time. This opportunity gives me the freedom to encounter different viewpoints and wrestle with them and try to integrate (or not) them with my real-life praxis; and the great joy for me in this is the ability to write and craft my thoughts into something coherent and beautiful. This exchange of idea, practice and writing is life to my soul; and to have the opportunity to do this regularly is incredible. I still have days of performance anxiety and fear (like today), but I am grateful for this transformative experience.
Even though this next part of gratitude is hard to say, really my problems are first world problems. They’re still hard for me – not going to deny that. But, I have food, clothing and a roof over my head. I can say what I want to on my blog without fear. I’m not living in a war zone with bombs exploding or armed soldiers parading outside my residence. Nobody’s threatening me due to my faith. I’m healthy (minus weirdo fertility issues); my body does the things which I want it to do (minus carry a full-term pregnancy). These are things to be deeply grateful for.
So, for all these things that I have not earned or merited, but have been blessed with anyway, for these things, I give thanks. And ask for strength and wisdom in the journey to continue seeking the good; not that I would ignore that which is painful, but that I might be able to keep it in perspective with the good that surrounds me.