I spent the morning hanging out with a friend’s kids, and it was utterly delightful. We had a tea party, I played Candyland for the first time, and got to play with girly duplos. But, I was also happy as the time came to a close and I got to go on to my grown-up world of preparing teaching and homework. As I came back to school, slightly tired, I had the realization that maybe it’s okay that we don’t have kids right now. I have enough on my metaphorical plate.
I do still want kids, but hanging out with other people’s kids reminds me that the grass is not greener on the other side the fence. It just has different kind of weeds than mine. Not better, just different. We’ve each got our own battles to face.
I’m kind of glad that right now I’m not doing battle daily with getting kids dressed while they exercise independence that forces me to slow down, negotiate, and move at a different pace. I kind of like how my regular pace works; its comfortable, familiar — stable. And, for today, that helps me breathe. To enjoy a sense that I’m in a right place at a right time. And to feel comfortably that I’m not missing out something.
As I’ve been preparing for talking at my church this weekend, I’ve spent so much time focusing on infertility and the loss that I’ve not taken as much time to look around and see the positives of all this. Yes, I don’t get something that I want, but I also have a whole lot of freedom without kids. And maybe it’s time that I start taking better advantage of it. And expressing gratitude for it. I’m regularly able to get a full night’s sleep; typically, I only have to worry about getting myself out the door — instead of a little person and all the accompanying stuff to care for said person. If J and I want to go see a late night movie, we can. So, someday I hope to be able to trade in these freedoms as we embrace a child — but for now, I choose to celebrate the gift that is my life now.