School’s done. I thought I’d have more time for blogging. Time to write and reflect and post in great quantities. Space to do more with this humble little blog.
Instead, I find myself feeling stuck. Since graduation, it feels like the world went haywire — both in the lives of people I know and the world in general. As I read the news and watch Facebook blow up, I wonder what in the world do I have to contribute to the conversations happening. Is there anything healing, helpful, or relevant lurking around the corners of my brain?
I’m not sure what to say. The temptation to go on my merry way and talk about what interests me, rather than addressing what everyone else seems to be noting, is both appealing and somewhat hollow at the same time. Am I avoiding? Does it matter if I’m relevant? If I talk about something else, does that communicate that I don’t care about the world? At the same time, I don’t want to play off the same ole conversations that seem to be blowing up my Facebook newsfeed just so I can be “relevant,” whatever relevant even means. My social anxiety is a weensy bit out of control. This makes me super glad there’s HolyYoga class tonight, as it helps me tame the anxiety monster.
Complicating matters is reflection on one of my last few classes at seminary. We had a guest lecturer, who is from Nigeria, come and speak. As he was talking, he noted that that we don’t have to write to please our white Western male masters as long as we’re addressing our context. It was one of the most liberating moments of my seminary time. I almost cried in class (and I am NOT a crier). I spend way too much time stressing over whether people will like me or my posts. It felt simpler to ask, “Am I writing to please someone or to say something that I feel matters to say?”
And yet now, his comment lurks over me and trips me up. Now I wonder to myself, what is actually life-giving for the context in which I find myself. What is something that actually matters to say to my context? And is that some strange form of arrogance to think I’ve got something to say — rather than just some musings about my experience of the world and God? Life was simpler when I wrote what pleased me to write.
All this to say, I feel a smidgeon quiet these days and a wee bit stuck. This post is little more than an effort to get unstuck and skip a stone into a pond to see where it ripples.
Anybody else feel a little stuck these days too?